Minutes before sitting down to type this article, I racked my brain for something to talk about. As I continue to engage in my own light and shadows, I am becoming increasingly aware of an incessant need to define myself through my “productivity.” I often pressure myself to create content. A tweet, a poem, a piece of art, anything. Show them you are a creative machine, wow them with your originality and profound eloquence. Be the best, and do it often. These are the kinds of thoughts that take over everything I do and as I’m becoming conscious of their egoic origin, I realized that part of the transmutation process can still incorporate what I love to do: create. I already see that this newsletter is going to be very personal. In working through my own struggles to create without egoic ulterior motives, I am remembering how joyous it can be to simply create.
THE MYTH OF PRODUCTIVITY
We are programmed to produce. In capitalist nations, individualism and constant production are valued. We measure our worth by what we are able to contribute, often monetarily or tangibly, to the accumulation of wealth. As opposed to evaluating our contributions to the collective, which is a mindset that could very well transform our contemporary understandings of community and roles. What are the responsibilities that you claim? Do they weigh heavily upon your shoulders? Were they chosen for you by someone else? Do you think of them less as obligations and more as opportunities? When we investigate our relationship to the tasks that we give our energy to we will begin to unravel the blindfolds wrapped so tightly around our eyes. We begin to remember that if it feels forced, it is not meant for us to embrace. We remember that the roles we play into are creations of our own. We remember that traits and behaviors, that may feel assigned to us by some larger power or unnamable force but in reality are our own doings, do not rule us and that we can break free from false identification at any point, because it is not real.
Everything falls together in choreographed, chaotic harmony.
ROLES + EXPECTATIONS
Many of us may fall into the trap of trying to fulfill a role that we believe will bring us happiness. We tell ourselves that we just haven’t gotten it right yet, and this is why we are so unhappy. Many young people continue on to college or higher education because they feel that they are meant to be students. They struggle within the Western education system and berate themselves for failing classes or losing interest in their studies so quickly. In truth, their intuition was always right that they are meant to be students, but the role of “undergraduate” or “graduate” student has consumed them to the point where they believe that existing within the education system is the only way to be a student. Often times, the roles that we desperately cling to originate from a true, pure desire that we have. They have just been distorted by systemic roles, causing great unhappiness among humankind. Again, the values of individualism and production for profit/gain continue to distort our innate callings. We face rejection from those who have given into the programming, they tell us that our “quirky” or “unconventional” dreams can never create a sustainable income for us. They tell us that we must work within the system, that we can still have our dreams but that we must compress, distort, minimize and restrict them to fit within acceptable boxes.
I’ve fallen into the trap before. There were many times throughout the last few months that I felt great pressure to put out “spiritual” content that people could relate to, to fulfill a role. I pushed myself to come to conclusions, that required deep contemplation and reflection, for the sole purpose of being able to tweet about it. It’s a mindset that has caused me a great deal of pain and heavy, dense feeling of unworthiness. This behavior is rooted in identification with roles. “Spiritualist.” “Healer.” “Lightworker.” In desperately trying to identify with this role, and associating it with a constant production of “things” for people to consume and enhance their perception of who I am, I lost a lot of myself.
As I’m learning more about myself, I’m affirming that I don’t need to hold myself to an impossible standard and false image. Despite the nagging urgency within me that tells me I need to produce content that astonishes the unconscious and resonates with the conscious… I am remembering that I am worthy, not because of the carefully curated words that I share but because I just simply am.
The last few weeks have been very intense. A lot of repressed feelings and false perceptions (that I’ve affirmed) are bubbling to the surface and at this point in my awakening, I cannot not address them. Where I am spiritually and consciously just cannot allow for me to continue to ignore the deep insecurities that I’ve buried beneath my consciousness. I am learning that I do not need to see retweets and likes to know that my energy is reaching people. In fact, it is when the “results” are immeasurable and unobservable to the human eye that magic has truly reached the collective.
TIME OF FALLOW
I can only speak on what I know, from what I’ve been through. Any messages that I’ve received and rushed to transmit to the collective, rather than spending time processing, cannot be authentic. I can only speak on what I know. So.
Learn to honor your time of fallow. You may not always feel ready to share what you’ve learned or created with the collective. We are meant to go into cycles of Hermit-like behavior, where we will retreat inwards in order to truly process and absorb all that we’ve learned. We are meant to spend quiet periods of time in silence, solitude, or stillness. When the Hermit feels they have truly tapped into Universal knowledge and wisdom, they will emerge from their dwellings to share this with the collective. They emerge when they are ready.
Sometimes, the words will rumble impatiently within us. They will seek corridors and avenues to find any means to escape, be heard, be seen, be validated. When you feel the need to share, for the sole purpose of letting people know that you figured out something first, accept these desires. Don’t judge them too harshly, know that it is just your ego trying to take control. Quiet the thoughts if they increase in volume and urgency, quiet them with love and affirm that your words, your “knowledge” can never enhance your sense of self.
Remember to take all the time you need to work through whatever weighs you down. This is something that I am learning and affirming, in my own way and in my own time. If your time of fallow calls for you to delete your social media, limit your text message exchanges, or even stop watching videos that can be information-overload, honor that call. You will know exactly what needs to be done in order for you to properly retreat inwards. There is no need to fear these calls. All is fluid, all is fleeting, all is temporary. As we approach Winter, we are collectively called to do the internal work that will ensure our rebirth in the Spring and Summer months. The Winter is traditionally a time within the Universal cycle for hibernation, stillness, and reflection. We are not meant to be overly expressive and rush ourselves into sharing what we’ve learned, because the period for processing our internal wounds has not yet passed.
You are fully and wholly deserving of love, you are so worthy. There is nothing that can be added or subtracted to you, you are whole, and you are loved.
My magic flows naturally and fluidly. By simply Being, I am worthy. I honor my time of fallow, I am patient and gentle with myself.
I will listen to my body, mind and Spirit. I will move at a pace that feels right for me, I will allow myself to create or be still as I please. Neither productivity nor stillness define me.
Thank you for subscribing and continuing to support my words, art and journey. Thank you for opening yourself up to the healing process, by reaching out to me you are reaching into yourself. We are collectively about to experience many great shifts, from the Gregorian calendrical shift to 2018 to the seasonal shift from Autumn into Winter. As blankets of midnight blue cover our skies and the branches of wise, old trees fall bare again, so too will I retreat into darkness and begin to peel away at the layers of myself until only nakedness and purity are exposed. As you feel called to retreat into your core essence, may you venture into yourself fearlessly and lovingly. Trust the process and allow your preoccupation with what comes “after” to dissipate. Remain Present, and Spirit will always guide you.